I stumbled upon some unsettling news the other day. It was the kind of news that sweeps into your mind and takes the very beat from your heart and the very breath from your body. My only reaction was to cry. I wept. I wept for the people that I once loved, the family that faced this tragic event. I wept because it had since been a year and I had no idea it ever occurred. I immediately wanted to reach out to the person I once loved but quickly stopped myself. Who am I? I am no-one. I am a distant memory that has since been forgotten and replaced. It has been two days since the moment I found out. I can’t get it out of my mind. I keep having flashbacks of a life that has left me. I wondered if there was a reason this was weighing heavy on my heart. I thought perhaps I should reach out just to show my love and support. I carefully compose a message. I go through each word as if it were the inner workings of a bomb. Delicately and cautiously. After all, this bomb could blow up in my face, leaving me in pieces as it once did long ago. I began second guessing myself again. What was I doing? Why was it so important to reach out? Did I have expectations? That is when I realized I did. We always have expectations, even when we say we don’t. I honestly have no idea what my expectations were, nor did it matter. They were there, and they were about to blow up in my face. I deleted the message and sought comfort from the one person that never fails me, my mother. In one sentence she summed it all up, love gives, and lets go. That is the lesson, after all. I may have been loved at one point, but I have also been let go. That message I was going to send might as well have come from a stranger. I hold no meaning in that life anymore. Maybe it is time for me to let it go.
We are often burdened by things and people we have not let go. The reasons for hanging on become irrelevant and the memories become blurry, but we still hang onto a shred of what once was unaware of the damage it is causing in the present. When I love, I love madly; when I hurt, I hurt badly; when it is time to let go, I hold tightly. To be free, I must move on. I gave my love, and now it’s time to let it go.