She

It has been awhile since I have written about her.  Mostly because she has been amazing.  Better and fighting harder than most expected.  The past month has consisted of pool trips with the kids, grocery excursions, date nights, bike rides and family parties.  She has been feeling so good it was as if she wasn’t fighting a sickness at all.  I think that is exactly what they needed.  Life as it once was.  All, I think, in preparation for this week.  The past month has just been chemo treatment which was a ride on cloud nine compared to radiation treatment.  She was able to move and live and not throw up every second of everyday.  I got to see her in her element.  Holding her son, hugging her daughter, playing with them, breaking up their little fights, nap time, breakfast, lunch, dinner…everything as normal as it could be.  Moments that we take for granted.  Moments that we assume we will have for a lifetime.  But she only had them for a month.  I watched her take in every second her body would allow.  Come tomorrow she must face the next mountain in her battle.  The one between her shoulder blades.  Over the past month we have gotten a lot closer.  She talks to me more.  She is afraid.  Afraid of the mask they have to put over her face for this surgery.  Afraid of the new radiation surgery they are about to perform.  To put it in perspective they wipe out ten radiation sessions in an hour or two.  They only perform this surgery on people that react well to radiation.  So, her other two tumors, breast and spine, shrunk due to radiation. Therefore, she is a good candidate for this radiation surgery on the newly found tumor between her shoulder blades.  I tell her it’ll be fine.  You are reacting well.  But really, who knows.  I am far past the point of being able to see this world without her.  She has to survive.  She has to beat this.  For him, for them, for us.  How can such a beautiful soul be ripped from this world.  Today, in the kitchen, was the first time I heard her reference her loss.  She went bra shopping.  The clerk exclaimed, “Your bra is too big!  You must get this bra and it must be tight otherwise in five years your boobs will be down to your knees!”  She just laughs and said, “I don’t think I will have to worry about that.”  She told me this lady just looked at her with a confusing look and she went on her way.  There are things in this life so basic that she will never see or experience the same again.  Those are the moments that nearly bring me to my knees.  How can I ever complain about anything?  Everyday I look death in its nasty face, how is anything I face worse than that?  She doesn’t see death, she sees life.  She sees what is in front of her right now.  Maybe that is the pool, or backyard, or bike ride, or just going to the store to buy bread…but she is climbing a mountain.  In her mind, nothing is comprised and nothing is lost.  Everything is available and everything is alive.

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