To live or not to live

“…you can describe a harsh lifestyle in your poems but sooner or later you will find it is time to move on.  If you hang on too long the subject matter gets thin and tiresome…”


I love Bukowski.  There is so much truth to be found in his writing.  Not all of us write to cope with pain.  Some go to work, exercise, take on hobbies, read books, hide behind children or friends, shop, drink, eat and so on.  It seems we all suffer in the same silence.  We all hide behind different disguises, but, shed the invisible blanket and we are all the same.  Why the universe works the way it does is beyond me.  Why humans accept hurt and run from happiness is even further from my comprehension.  Too often do we allow our lives to become stale.  We let routine dictate every moment of every day only allowing maybe once a year to escape, if that.  Too often do we allow our relationships to become stagnate.  Shutting out the possibility for excitement and drowning in the denial that both of you will accept until death do you part.  If we had one chance, one opportunity, to fast forward to death, I wonder, what would we be proud of?  What would we regret?  Most importantly, what would we do differently?  I remember the first time I saw ‘ Into the Wild’.  I had known of the story before the movie and I was so pleasantly surprised when I saw the movie.  It did exactly what I knew it would do to me.  It inspired me.  Inspired me to live.  I remember talking to friends and family after they had seen it for the first time and they all had similar feelings. They expressed to me that they just wanted to go, see the world, do something spontaneous, live life to the fullest.  But that was it.  The next day they woke up and went right back to their routine.  They are the ones that look at me like I am crazy when I follow my free spirit.  They are the ones that think I am not doing anything with my life.  Because they don’t see the world and life the way I see it.  I don’t see life through my front window and beyond my white picket fence.  I don’t see life being a cycle of bills and paychecks.  I see life from a birds eye and I will chase that wherever it takes me.  So, when I am faced with death, I choose to have less regret and more peace.  I choose to not feel like I lived my life for a paycheck but for a point of view.  There are so many people that seek the same thing but choose instead to hide behind the facade of what is expected.  The kids to escape the failed marriage, the food or alcohol to escape the failed relationship, the job to escape the home, the shopping to escape the debt.  It is a sick cycle.  Most of us will waver on the edge until the end.  Others, the lucky ones, will be bold enough to jump because at the end of the day the material things will not last, we have nothing to lose but ourselves.

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